The prize for the Sporting Cheat of the Week has surprisingly (pun intended) been stolen from the safety deposit boxes of Cristiano Ronaldo and Didier Drogba by tennis player Michelle Larcher de Brito.
Ronaldo unfortunately blotted his scorecard by being actually fouled at least once, debatably, in the recent Champions League final. The favourite for the title, Drogba, has not been his normally willing-to-bend-some-of-those-rules self since his recent televised tantrum and form is everything in this contest.
Thus, we have the first tennis-based winner of the title since Monica Seles started grunting her opponents into submission way back whenever it was before someone stabbed her up. However, our apologies must be sent to Ms Seles, as we now realise that her barely audible ‘hard breaths’ were nothing in comparison to Ms Larcher de Brito’s almost orgasmic, almost painful, almost being dragged down an air-vent by Alien and Predator and the Terminator and Jacqui Smith, clearly-intended-to-put-off-opponents, grunting vocalisations.
Michelle receives serve after 18 seconds…
This is the one where you start to wonder if it’s a wind-up, but it’s not…
Now, this has nothing to do with his value as a husband, a father or even a random bloke on the street. I’m not entirely convinced he has any value in these departments.
It is purely to do with the fact that this rambunctious and sometimes ridiculous man is the leader of an entire nation, was once the leader of an entire continent, and for all intents and purposes is one of these ‘politicians’ we seem to enjoy leaving all the running of things to. Aren’t they supposed to be boring, grey little men with no discernibly enjoyable characteristics?
Our Silvio has recently been ticked off by the Queen of England and embarrassed the brand new American president on his first visit to Europe. His wife is divorcing him because he keeps appointing attractive young ladies, including a couple of former glamour models, into his cabinet or whatever they call it in Italy (knowing them, probably something Italian), and he is clearly a man who cares not for his expanding waistline or receding hairline, but still blunders on through life with the same knowingly care-free smile on his face that says ‘You will love me eventually even if I have to torture it out of you.’
Gordon Brown should forget making friends with Barack Obama – he’s going to be around for ages and the next British PM, be it Cameron or one of those standing behind Brown holding a knife, can do all that ‘special relationship while we still owe you money for WW2’ stuff. I think we’re paid off now anyway, plus half the people in modern Britain aren’t even related to anyone who was in Britain during WW2, myself included. Time to cosy to Berlusconi.
Silvio’s place is where the party’s at. Make the most of it, Gordo. He’s 72 and likely to pop his clogs every time he appoints a new cabinet member.
Oh, for this man to be the Prime Minister of little ole Blighty, rock up to Parliament and replace the entire front bench with Girls Aloud and whoever was on Page 3 of The Daily Star that day.
Would we really be worse off with Jacqui Smith replaced by Cheryl The-Geordie-One? Hazel Blears for Keeley Hazel? How about swapping David Miliband for that human saxophone chap off of Britain’s Got Talent? These be unexplored paths and Berlusconi is the man to get divorced from his wife for leading us down them.
So, hooray for Silvio Berlusconi, you are the Man of the Week. May you continue to make politics more interesting for those of us with little or no respect for actual politicians and easily bored minds.
Just don’t let me catch you talking to my girlfriend.
So, do you reckon it's only Silvio's hand on Cherie's bum, or do you think Tony's having a cheeky squeeze as well?
Two of Silvio's crucial cabinet appointments. Like Mr Berlusconi himself, I forget their names
Silvio contemplates who should be his next Health Secretary
Beyond the heart-twanging handsomeness of Silvio is the very plain and sensible Mara Carfagna, Minister For Equal Opportunities For Beautiful People
Mara Carfagna being plain and sensible
Mara Carfagna’s Political Attributes According to Silvio Berlusconi
Some Silvio Quotes Which Make Sense:
“The link between my experience as an entrepreneur and that of a politician is all in one word: freedom.”
“I’m not a traditional politician, and I have a sense of humor. I’ll try to soften it and become boring, maybe even very boring, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to.”
“If I, taking care of everyone’s interests, and also take care of my own, you can’t talk about a conflict of interest.”
“The absence of deliberateness doesn’t indeed rule out blame.”
A Few Less Sense-Making Quotes:
ON THOSE LEFT HOMELESS BY THE ABRUZZO EARTHQUAKE: “Of course their current lodgings are a bit temporary but they should see it like a weekend of camping.”
ON CHINESE AGRICULTURE: “Read ‘The Black Book of Communism’ and you will discover that in the China of Mao, they did not eat children, but had them boiled to fertilise the fields.”
ON LEFT-WING VOTERS: “I trust the intelligence of the Italian people too much to think that there are so many pricks around who would vote against their own best interests.”
ON HIMSELF: “I am the Jesus Christ of politics. I am a patient victim, I put up with everyone, I sacrifice myself for everyone.”
ON GERMAN M.E.P. MARTIN SCHULZ: “I know that in Italy there is a man producing a film on Nazi concentration camps - I shall put you forward for the role of Kapo - you would be perfect.” [EDIT: ‘Kapos’ were Jewish concentration camp inmates who actually worked for the Nazis and are often described as ‘self-hating Jews’]
ON THE GERMAN WORK ETHIC: “In Italy I am almost seen as German for my workaholism. Also I am from Milan, the city where people work the hardest. Work, work, work - I am almost German.”
ON ITALY: “Italy is now a great country to invest in… today we have fewer communists and those who are still there deny having been one. Another reason to invest in Italy is that we have beautiful secretaries… superb girls.”
ON MUSSOLINI: “Mussolini never killed anyone. Mussolini used to send people on vacation in internal exile.”
ON THE POST-9/11 WORLD: “The West will continue to conquer peoples, even if it means a confrontation with another civilisation, Islam, firmly entrenched where it was 1,400 years ago.”
ON BARACK OBAMA: “I’m paler because it’s been so long since I went sunbathing. He’s more handsome, younger and taller.”
ON INCREASING TROOP NUMBERS TO COUNTER CRIME: “We could not field a big enough force to avoid this risk [of rape]. We would need as many soldiers as beautiful women and I don’t think that would be possible, because our women are so beautiful.”
TO MARA CARFAGNA, WHO WOULD LATER BECOME THE MINISTER FOR EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES: “I’d go anywhere with you, even to a desert island. If I weren’t already married, I would marry you straight away.”
Some wealthy white fellows walk around. They pay unusual amounts of attention to the only black gentleman in the vicinity. There’s some waggling of hips, a few nice swooshing sounds, and they walk around a bit more. Some standing around and looking at the grass. A fat bloke raises his hands at the end and everybody claps. They give him some clothes and he is pleased.
This lasts a few days.
A rich man pretends he is sporty
Some traditionalists felt the Augusta course was too easy this year
Well-trained and, most importantly, happy, tortoises can produce up to three golf balls a week
Golf is not just a game for men, but also a tool for exploiting the lovely bums of our sisterfolk. So it ain't all bad.
Life seems just that little bit more worthwhile when you see pictures like this
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has been caught with her trousers down after the cost of two pornographic films were discovered to have been claimed from her parliamentary expenses budget. Her husband, Richard Timney, has since admitted that it was he who had his trousers down. Mr Timney has issued what I would like to say is a groveling apology, but is rather less grovelly than one might have hoped. In fact, he seemed rather calm and unconcerned at the whole kerfuffle. It is not known at this time if he cracked one off before the press conference.
Jacqui Smith’s Husband Apologises for his Government-paid Porn
Smith, a confessed former cannabis junkie who has admitted flouting the laws of this land to indulge her previously personal preference for illegal drug-taking before changing her mind and choosing to meander smugly down the path of belligerent hypocrisy, claims to be “mortified” and “furious” - though this is hardly surprising considering what else she has been claiming recently. We excitedly await her claim to be David Beckham.
The sweetness and light that is Jacqui Smith has already been under investigation by the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards over her £116,000 claim of second-home allowances for her family home in her Redditch constituency. She says that there is nothing wrong in claiming her main home is the spare room of her sister’s house in South London that she rents, keeping it in the family as she likes to do (the shining example of morality that is former druggie Jacqui Smith also uses her allowances to hire her husband as her parliamentary aide – on £40,000 a year).
Richard Timney, whose loyal wife we can only assume chose not to take her beloved’s name when they wed for reasons perhaps such as keeping hold of her unique and socially endangered maiden name of Smith, has said sorry for the mix-up and promised to repay the cost of each of the £5.00 blue movies.
Dick Timney has so far refused to comment on which particular porno films he was enjoying - as far as we know Debbie has never ‘done’ Redditch - but having witnessed his wife’s face on multiple occasions, this blogger doesn’t blame the poor chap for indulging in a bit of escapism. Though might we suggest an adventure holiday next time instead of Huge Cocks 4.
Jacqui Smith talks about the last film she saw
You’d have to think about it for £40,000 a year though, wouldn’t you? Well, he obviously thought so, unless he was high on Jacqui’s drugs when he proposed.
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