May 5, 2009
Man of the Week: Silvio Berlusconi
Now, this has nothing to do with his value as a husband, a father or even a random bloke on the street. I’m not entirely convinced he has any value in these departments.
It is purely to do with the fact that this rambunctious and sometimes ridiculous man is the leader of an entire nation, was once the leader of an entire continent, and for all intents and purposes is one of these ‘politicians’ we seem to enjoy leaving all the running of things to. Aren’t they supposed to be boring, grey little men with no discernibly enjoyable characteristics?
Our Silvio has recently been ticked off by the Queen of England and embarrassed the brand new American president on his first visit to Europe. His wife is divorcing him because he keeps appointing attractive young ladies, including a couple of former glamour models, into his cabinet or whatever they call it in Italy (knowing them, probably something Italian), and he is clearly a man who cares not for his expanding waistline or receding hairline, but still blunders on through life with the same knowingly care-free smile on his face that says ‘You will love me eventually even if I have to torture it out of you.’
Gordon Brown should forget making friends with Barack Obama – he’s going to be around for ages and the next British PM, be it Cameron or one of those standing behind Brown holding a knife, can do all that ‘special relationship while we still owe you money for WW2’ stuff. I think we’re paid off now anyway, plus half the people in modern Britain aren’t even related to anyone who was in Britain during WW2, myself included. Time to cosy to Berlusconi.
Silvio’s place is where the party’s at. Make the most of it, Gordo. He’s 72 and likely to pop his clogs every time he appoints a new cabinet member.
Oh, for this man to be the Prime Minister of little ole Blighty, rock up to Parliament and replace the entire front bench with Girls Aloud and whoever was on Page 3 of The Daily Star that day.
Would we really be worse off with Jacqui Smith replaced by Cheryl The-Geordie-One? Hazel Blears for Keeley Hazel? How about swapping David Miliband for that human saxophone chap off of Britain’s Got Talent? These be unexplored paths and Berlusconi is the man to get divorced from his wife for leading us down them.
So, hooray for Silvio Berlusconi, you are the Man of the Week. May you continue to make politics more interesting for those of us with little or no respect for actual politicians and easily bored minds.
Just don’t let me catch you talking to my girlfriend.
Mara Carfagna's Political Attributes According to Silvio Berlusconi
Some Silvio Quotes Which Make Sense:
“The link between my experience as an entrepreneur and that of a politician is all in one word: freedom.”
“I'm not a traditional politician, and I have a sense of humor. I'll try to soften it and become boring, maybe even very boring, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to.”
“If I, taking care of everyone's interests, and also take care of my own, you can't talk about a conflict of interest.”
“The absence of deliberateness doesn't indeed rule out blame.”
A Few Less Sense-Making Quotes:
ON THOSE LEFT HOMELESS BY THE ABRUZZO EARTHQUAKE: “Of course their current lodgings are a bit temporary but they should see it like a weekend of camping.”
ON CHINESE AGRICULTURE: “Read ‘The Black Book of Communism’ and you will discover that in the China of Mao, they did not eat children, but had them boiled to fertilise the fields.”
ON LEFT-WING VOTERS: “I trust the intelligence of the Italian people too much to think that there are so many pricks around who would vote against their own best interests.”
ON HIMSELF: “I am the Jesus Christ of politics. I am a patient victim, I put up with everyone, I sacrifice myself for everyone.”
ON GERMAN M.E.P. MARTIN SCHULZ: “I know that in Italy there is a man producing a film on Nazi concentration camps - I shall put you forward for the role of Kapo - you would be perfect.” [EDIT: ‘Kapos’ were Jewish concentration camp inmates who actually worked for the Nazis and are often described as ‘self-hating Jews’]
ON THE GERMAN WORK ETHIC: “In Italy I am almost seen as German for my workaholism. Also I am from Milan, the city where people work the hardest. Work, work, work - I am almost German.”
ON ITALY: “Italy is now a great country to invest in… today we have fewer communists and those who are still there deny having been one. Another reason to invest in Italy is that we have beautiful secretaries… superb girls.”
ON MUSSOLINI: “Mussolini never killed anyone. Mussolini used to send people on vacation in internal exile.”
ON THE POST-9/11 WORLD: “The West will continue to conquer peoples, even if it means a confrontation with another civilisation, Islam, firmly entrenched where it was 1,400 years ago.”
ON BARACK OBAMA: “I’m paler because it’s been so long since I went sunbathing. He’s more handsome, younger and taller.”
ON INCREASING TROOP NUMBERS TO COUNTER CRIME: “We could not field a big enough force to avoid this risk [of rape]. We would need as many soldiers as beautiful women and I don’t think that would be possible, because our women are so beautiful.”
TO MARA CARFAGNA, WHO WOULD LATER BECOME THE MINISTER FOR EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES: “I’d go anywhere with you, even to a desert island. If I weren’t already married, I would marry you straight away.”